Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I Bet Madonna Would Have Done the Same Thing.

Today I answered the phone thinking that the call was one I had been waiting for....

I picked up the receiver and in my best (sanest) grown-up voice, chirped a bright and cheery "Hello!?!?" only to have another bright, cheery voice chirp "Hello!" right back and ask me how I was doing.

Still uncertain as to the origin of the call (the caller ID was inconclusive, which would have been a clue to anyone not stoned on a combination of cat dander and poppy seeds from a recent bagel), I responded, "Fine thanks...and you?"

It was then I realized that this was a recorded call that had been timed for a response and which then went on to say, "Good to hear!! I have great news about your a) pathetic credit rating b) apparently endless mortgage payments or c) the dead squirrel that's been wedged into your chimney since last winter!"

It was one of those but I didn't listen long enough to be entirely sure.

When I realized I'd been duped, I hung up and stared at the phone with crazy eyes for several seconds. I then looked at Buzzy who was reclining on a nearby chair and gazing at me with pity--the kind of look he reserves for total morons who are fooled by recorded phone calls.

I actually felt really embarrassed---I'd been humiliated in front of my cat, which is never good.They wait for stuff like that so they can feel better about the time they over-estimated the distance between the floor and the bathroom counter and crashed into the mirror.  

And, if you're me (and it's really hot out) embarrassment has a tendency to morph into rage very quickly.
So, I did what anyone would do.

I opened the back window and, literally, hurled the phone into the backyard as far as I could.

I was very impressed with how far it went but before I sign up for a local softball team, allow me to remind myself that my strength was fueled by a case of rather demented anger.

For a brief moment, I felt great. Empowered. Vindicated. Queen of the Jungle. Mistress of my Fate. I was Madonna, on stage at Madison Square Garden, wearing a black leather bra in the shape of ice cream cones.

Even better, I was Pat Benatar, in full eye liner, singing "We Belong" in her video of the same name.

I was totally bad ass.

I looked at Buzzy again. His eyes were very wide and if there had been a cartoon balloon over his head it would have said "Have you gone nuts??? Go get the phone and grow up."

So, I went and got the phone. Growing up, obviously, is going to be a challenge.


  1. Some days, I'm tempted to throw my phone when my alarm wakes me up. Then I realize that my roommate might not like it so much if she gets a huge egg on her head. But, when I'm mad, the pillow gets it.

  2. Any girl who throws stuff is a-okay in my book!

  3. That's why I have dogs. I can be humiliated in front of them without fear of condemnation.

  4. Oh, that made me laugh, Michele. Buzzy does still love me, though.

  5. You opened the window before you threw the phone didn't you ?- what then, is Buzzy's problem? It could've been much, much worse... :-)

  6. Ha, ha, Janet---good point. I'm going to go tell that to the Buzzmeister right now!