What You Can and Cannot Wear To a Night Club. Hint: No Stripes.

Don't bother praying, you're not getting in..

I just read an article in today's New York Times about the "dress codes" in trendy, upscale clubs in the borough of Manhattan, USA.

...you either. Stop asking.

It appears, that among other things, striped shirts for men are out because they indicate that you are a "randy" member of "the bridge and tunnel" crowd--meaning that you are either from New Jersey or one of the boroughs and are just coming to get laid  have a good time. 

Well, of course. What else are you coming to a club for?

And, how many Manhattan residents aren't originally from either Jersey or the boroughs? Maybe three.

It is suggested, if you are a man and wish to be admitted, that you wear a blazer or a solid color button down or sweater. And, if you're a young lady, the minimum height of your heels must be five inches and they should preferably be "Christians."



Now, even though I'm a suburban drudge who just felt dangerously trendy wearing dollar store flip flops to the supermarket, I imagine not everyone can navigate the world on five inch heels...which is, obviously, what the club owners are saying. They know damn well who can and who can't.

I also know that "Christians," in this case, does not mean men in chain mail on horses carrying crosses during the Inquisition. They're Christian Louboutins--the type of shoes Oprah, the billionairess, wore on her show, crossing her cankles provocatively so that we damn well knew the pedigree of her footwear

I just checked what those shoes retail for and I think I may need a shot of Jack Daniels before my juice and oatmeaI. I knew they were expensive but the prices appear to start at around $700.

Pardon me, world, but that is insane.

$895.00

And while I totally admit to being a reverse snob ("Where do you buy your flip flops if not at the dollar store? Oh, really? Well, I never!) this does not apply--$700 for shoes is, in a sane world, just plain stupid.

Sorry, girls. Save your money for a few weeks and buy a house. I hear they're going for very little these days.

I have always told my boys to dress well and based on good choices and smart shopping, it can be achieved despite a budget that doesn't include Louboutins.

I have no problem with club owners requesting no t-shirts, jeans, baseball caps or shorts. But, in this economy, if a patron can afford a $15 dollar martini, I might just say "Come on in!" instead of "Sorry, your shirt has stripes...you are obviously a yokel, go home."

Not only that, but have you ever seen one of these chic, glamorous clubs with all the hidden fluorescent lights on while the cleaning crews are working---they are little more than the roach infested deli down the street....if that deli had fresh flowers and a sleepy attendant handing you a folded towel in the bathroom.

So, come on, you club hoppers....show these snobby club owners who's boss: Hang out on your front steps with friends, invest in the newest edition of Pictionary, go to the local diner in a group and enjoy a big Greek salad....don't let them tell you can't wear striped shirts or three inch heels.

Or, come to my house.

There may be a "behavior code" and you will, of course, have to bring cake but I will tell you exactly where the fire exits are ("Right over there, to the right of the cat dishes."), plus you can wear dollar store flip flops and I'll charge you a lot less for a drink.

I'll also make sure you use the bathroom before you head back to the bridge or tunnel. It's a long ride.