Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Celebrity Break-ups, 2010

Don't pretend you're not afraid of her, Brad.
   Will someone sit me down and patiently explain, in a manner I can understand, why Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock? And, while you're at it, can you include some comprehensible reasoning behind why Tony Parker would ever canoodle around with another woman when he had Eva Longoria waiting for him at home?

I know, I know...I saw Oprah, too. Supposedly it's not about the sex but about the feelings of newness and appreciation that will send a man out of the arms of his beautiful wife and into those of another but that can't explain rumors of Ryan Reynolds cheating on Scarlet Johannsen. They were only together for two years and, according to my research (conducted on line at Shoprite), hardly ever saw each other due to their busy schedules. Maybe these women were too perfect and their men simply couldn't take the pressure? Maybe these men are just idiots who need a good beating. But I still don't get it. Conversely, here I sit in clown pants, eyes nearly swollen shut from too many pistachios last night and breath that made Buzzy hide under the bed....this must mean that Seth will stick around for a while since I am applying absolutely no pressure whatsoever. I sure know how to keep a man.

It is perfectly understandable why Charlie Sheen's wife  decided that being held at knifepoint might be a problem and if I were Jenny McCarthy I, too, might pack up my fake cheekbones and leave a man who wore my bathing suit to the beach. Most easily understood is Tipper leaving Al. Who wouldn't? He travels the world carrying on about conserving energy but never turns a single light off at home. I just totally made that up. How would I possibly know that? I just don't like him.

Identical twins, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are making the world less pretty with their split as did Halle Berry and her supermodel beau, but they were just too glossy and gorgeous to remain a couple. In order to look directly at them, you had to use one of those cardboard contraptions with the pinpoint hole needed to watch a solar eclipse in order to avoid frying your retinas. Their daughter, a perfect blend of perfect genes will keep their legacy alive.

Kate Gosselin and whoever that was she was married to, are way too boring to mention and I wish Jennifer Aniston and Rene Zellweger would finally give up and join a convent.

And, speaking of, Brad Pitt...I know you are reading this, Brad, so please take my advice--Run! Take the kids, grab all your slouchy caps and the beads you like to put in your beard (which you grew just to piss off Angie, you can't fool me) and leave that woman behind to put her strange spell on someone else. You used to be a nice guy--everyone said so! Pack up Maddox (named after a former governor from Alabama known to be an incredible racist???), Pax, Zahara,that little cross-dresser Shiloh, those weird twins and leave! NOW. You can stay here until you get your head on straight.  But you will have to shave.  That beard pisses me off, too.

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